By: Mark Wayne, Lead Investigative Reporter

Date: October 10, 2022

The Louisa Starz & Stripez set a Guinness World Record this past Friday after the death of Loretta Lynn. The World Record set was for having “The Most Consecutive Unique Drunk Karaoke Renditions of Coal Miner’s Daughter.” Which is an oddly specific World Record to exist. The World Record did stipulate each performer had to immediately take a breathalyzer test upon stepping off the stage and register least a 0.12 Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC).

The night began after several rounds of bourbon were shared by all the patrons in memory of The First Lady of Country Music, including one round for Sissy Spacek, who is still alive. The first performer to sing “Coal Miner’s Daughter” was Jodi Bantham, who was only slightly buzzed. She incidentally only registered a 0.10 BAC, meaning her performance did not count, even if it was the most coherent. Following though, were 17 completely drunk young, middle-aged, and elderly women who ranged from “Feeling it” to “Completely Plastered.” Which goes to show that Loretta Lynn is timeless.

The Louisa Starz & Stripez has always been Louisa’s premiere venue for showcasing the sacred ancient Japanese art of Karaoke since it opened its doors, a fact that surprised Clark Thompson, a WWII veteran who regularly dines there.

“I will admit I didn’t like them performing this Japanese art on account of what happened to me over in Okinawa, but once I saw my niece do a killer rendition of Jolene by Dolly Parton, I was suddenly okay with it. They even got me to get up there and sing a little Johnny Cash.” said Mr. Thompson.

Mr. Thompson has indeed performed karaoke many times, preferring to perform “The Night They Drove Ole Dixie Down,” which is just racist enough to really play to the Starz & Stripez crowd, but not racist enough to get the nonagenarian cancelled on TikTok, where he has a rapidly growing fanbase.