By: Mark Wayne, Lead Investigative Reporter

Date: September 22, 2022

An executive for Area Readdiction Conglomerate (ARC) was abruptly fired from his position this past week after signs of misdeeds came under surveillance. Bitch Hussle, the now former Director of Healthcare Misoperation and Medicare Mismanagement, was caught on camera stealing several Louisa treasures from City Hall in the waning hours of this year’s Septemberfest.

            Mayor Gerald Jones noticed the items, which included autographed posters signed by the Septemberfest Headliners, a set of original playing cards from the old gambling hall above Wellman’s Hardware, Tootie Vanhoose’s girdle, and a series of erotic novels written by Bill Cheek were missing when he returned to his office after the festivities wrapped up. Mayor Jones immediately checked the surveillance footage, which showed a man who looked like a Bitch Hussle emerging from City Hall with the missing items. He is then seen handing them off to his wife, K. D. Hussle, who then speeds away from the scene of the crime.

            The Mayor’s office reached out to Mr. Bitch and asked if he had knowledge of the stolen items, which he denied.

            When asked for comment, Mr. Bitch replied, “This is completely false. I would never use my wife to help steal anything. I mean, I wanted to use her, just like my hero, the former Lawrence County Attorney Mikyle Logan, used his wife to help him embezzle… but my wife just isn’t good at it. I gave her a test run where she was supposed to steal some funds from a Falseberg Grade School faculty car wash, but she bungled that, got caught, and got unceremoniously let go from that position.”

            Mayor Gerald Jones and his office provided The Big Sandy Lazer with further security tape footage which shows Bitch Hussle and his wife smuggling the stolen items back into the Louisa City Hall and shoving them underneath the Mayor’s office desk. The footage also shows the couple setting up a boombox in the corner which played Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” on a loop. The security footage was dated less than 4 hours after our conversation with Bitch Hussle.

            K. D. Hussle currently works as a part of ARC’s youth indoctrination branch, but was placed on administrative leave pending further investigation after the security footage was made public.

            ARC Chief Executive Officer Rim Jobertson released a statement, “After I’d learned what Bitch had done, I had to fire him. What if he’d stolen one of the precious baseballs that I’d signed? Do you know how valuable those baseballs are going to be in the future? It’ll be like having a Bible signed by Jesus.”