By: Mark Wayne, Lead Investigative Reporter

Date: September 29, 2022

In a criminal justice system designed for him to thrive, a white Republican lawyer from Louisa, KY really made love to the pooch when he found himself getting sentenced to serve time in a federal prison this past Tuesday. Former Lawrence County Attorney Mikyle Logan was convicted and indicted by a federal grand jury of pulling a “Reverse Robin Hood,” in which he was stealing from the poor and giving to the rich.

Mikyle Logan faced up to 20 years in federal prison, but was only sentenced to 3.5 years when his attorney claimed his client had “white privilege.”

“We knew playing the race card was our best bet at getting a smaller prison sentence. Shoot, if my client had been minority, he would have gotten the maximum punishment plus some.” stated Logan’s lawyer.

Juniper Logan, Mikyle’s wife and secretary, was similarly sentenced on lesser charges of “Getting Her Hand Caught in the Cookie Jar.” She was only sentenced to 1 year, a 20-minute Time-Out in the corner, and no Television for a week. The U.S. District Judge George Von Taint stated that Juniper was facing a smaller charge due to the federal government only valuing women at up to 70% of their husband’s worth.

Mikyle Logan released an apology in which he stated, “As a good Republican Christian man, there is nothing more honorable to God than taking funding from the poor and needy children. So in a sense, my stealing money from the poor children and using it on some kick ass golf clubs and a little Columbian Bam-Bam was really the will of the Lord. Isn’t that what really matters?”

County Judge Executive Bill Gardner was informed about his former County Attorney’s prison sentence and asked for a reaction. He declined to comment but immediately turned his back to us, grabbed his phone, and was overheard saying, “Hey! Yeah, we’re f----d. He got 3.5 years for $365,000 and I’ve sent way more money than that from county funds to you and the rest of the family. If any of this comes out before the election, I don’t even know if the money from ARC could save me.”

The Logan’s will begin their prison sentences later this year, but are pleased to announce they have been offered full-time advisory positions with Area Readdiction Conglomerate (ARC) in their compliance department until then.