By: Brooke Meadows, Community Reporter

Date: October 13, 2022

This past Tuesday, the Lawrence County Public Library (LCPL) saw a rush that hasn’t been seen since pre-pandemic Black Friday, as its patrons frantically clamored over one another to secure a computer for the day’s coveted Amazon Prime Day Sales. The LCPL has the fastest Wifi in town and recently purchased new desktop computers to replace their aging fleet of Dells. This combination led to the LCPL being the most coveted spot in town to snatch the best Prime Day Deals.

Perilously, tensions were high as there were not enough computers for all the patrons, and very few consented to share Amazon Prime accounts.

Many patrons interviewed claimed they were only there because they missed the rush of bargain shopping that Black Friday used to give them.

“I never felt more alive than in the Tickle Me Elmo rush of 1996. My mom and I stabbed a Canadian in the Huntington Mall to get me a Tickle Me Elmo. The guy was so nice, he didn’t press charges. Anyway, that’s how mom met my step-dad. So I’m kind of out here looking for a husband.” stated LaDonna Meadows, who was waiting in the queue outside the LCPL. LaDonna went on to explain she was looking for a man with an Amazon Prime account who wouldn’t mind punching an old lady to get her children a Harry Potter Lego Set.

Library Director Charley Belfrie and her staff tried to keep the raucous crowd calmed down, but all hell broke loose when Amazon had an unanticipated Prime Day Flash Deal on Kentucky Waterfall Hair Gel and SkollDawgs Smokeless Tobacco, at the same time.

“As soon as they dropped the mullet hair gel and chew, we completely lost control. The patrons, upset the deal ran out before they could place their orders, started stealing the computers themselves,” commented Charley Belfrie.

LaDonna Meadows was one of the patrons upset about missing the Flash Deal, stating “SkollDawgs will put hair on your chest whether you’re a man or woman. It’s got a bite like a rattlesnake and a kick like a drunk mule. Put that pinch up in your lip and hold on till you find yourself spitting like the whale that swallowed Jonah. This ain’t your momma’s pouch tobacco. It makes Red Man seem like Virginia Slims.”