SPORTS

New Pickle Ball courts alleged to be part of massive cover up

By: Chip McCoy

Date: April 2022

The County Judge Executive for Lawrence County, Bill Gardner, along with the members of the Fiscal Court are publicly denying allegations brought forth by members of the public that the new community Pickle Ball courts were built over top of the deer responsible for initially contracting Blue Tongue which ravaged Lawrence County’s deer population three years ago. Members of the public have alleged Bill Gardner and the Fiscal Court plotted to introduce Blue Tongue to the surrounding counties in order to lower their deer population and herd hunters to Lawrence County.

            “The Pickle Ball Courts definitely weren’t used as an excuse to pour concrete over the dead deer, if that’s what you’re asking.” Spoke Bill Gardner, totally unprompted before the interview even began. Adding later “We initially painted the pickle ball courts gray, but they mysteriously turned blue. I doubt the chemicals we used could do that, but then again this thing really got out of hand on us… the protective coating on the courts that is.”

            In an open records request, The Big Sandy Lazer was able to ascertain the pickle ball courts were completed before the soccer fields were. In another open records request, The Big Sandy Lazer found out The Fiscal Court spent $29.95 to temporarily access a Pay Per View showing of The Blue Man Group, and rented out a Bambi themed escape room for the County Judge Executive’s birthday.

            When presented with these facts the County Judge Executives responded by stating, “It was a great party. My favorite part of Bambi is the beginning where the hunter bags Bambi’s daddy. Plus I already did the escape room and knew how to solve the puzzles. It let me really impress the Mayor.” Adding about Pay Per View rental, “We are debating getting Blue Man Group to headline Septemberfest next year, so that video was research and a totally legit tax payer expense.”

Louisa Mayor Gerald Jones was reached for comment and stated, “It was an easy escape room. It was recommended for for pre-teens aged 10-12. The Judge Executive barely finished it in the 1-hour time limit. I just stood back and admired this misplaced display of incompetence. It felt like he really needed this, though. I mean, my children did the same escape room with their friends and solved it in 24 minutes on their first try.”