By: Mark Wayne, Lead Investigative Reporter

Date: February 9, 2023

Don’t call it a comeback just yet, but the path to Hollywood redemption for Nicholas Cage may go through Louisa, KY. Rumors abounded through town after Nicholas Cage was seen practicing lines in the lobby of the Best Western before getting thrown out for loitering. It was soon revealed that Disney has greenlit the long awaited and highly-anticipated National Treasure 3 movie, which is alleged to be centered around a fictional conspiracy involving America’s longest serving President, Franklin D. Roosevelt.

The decision to move the intricately connected conspiracies of national intrigue away from the era of The Founding Fathers into relatively more recent times was largely thanks to the popularity of modern-day conspiracy theories. The decision was also inspired by drunk uncles who somehow figure out how to log onto 4-chan but can’t figure out how to save their marriage. (Hint: It’s called listening, Dan! Stop talking about Jewish space lasers, and let Aunt Linda vent about her overbearing boss that micromanages everything. That’s all Aunt Linda wants… also lose like 20 pounds, you look like you constantly have the meat-sweats.)

Disney has confirmed much of the film is going to focus on FDR’s relationship with Fred M. Vinson and center around his eventual succession to Chief Justice of the Supreme Court under Harry S. Truman. Ergo, about one-third of the movie is set to be filmed in Louisa. Disney has stated they will be holding auditions for Extras during this year’s Septemberfest, and are looking for people of all genders and ages with mullets.

Rumored filming locations include the Needle Lock Dam, the Old Methodist Church, The Fred M. Vinson Visitor Center, Dee’s Basement Bathroom, that vacant lot across from Vioganni’s that used to be a hospital, and the intersection of KY-2565 and Madison St.