By: Mark Wayne, Lead Investigative Reporter

Date: December 19, 2022

The Lawrence County Garage has come under scrutiny after serious accusations arose at their annual Christmas Party. The Christmas Party was held at the City Garage adjacent to the City Dump, which is located on Poor House Rd. The City Garage is widely considered to have the best Christmas Party of all the County Departments, but is in danger of losing their status after scandal hit their White Elephant Christmas exchange.

White Elephant, also known as Dirty Santa, is a traditional gift exchange game native to toxic households where participants can either open an unknown package or steal an already opened present. Dirty Santa is responsible for approximately 4,000 awkward rides home from Grandma’s house, around 6,000 crying children, and 17 divorces every Christmas season in the state of Kentucky alone.

The Lawrence County Garage Dirty Santa was going well until Darrell decided to select an unopened package, rather than steal a present. The game was halted for several minutes, as no one could find an uncle or grandfather with a pocket knife to help open the gift, which was taped too well. Eventually someone ran down to Wellman’s hardware to buy one, which allowed the game to continue.

Upon opening the package, Darrel recognized the item and all Hell broke loose. Inside was a Duck Clock that made quacking sounds at the top of every hour.

“I recognized the damn clock! I remember it getting thrown into the dump. Someone climbed in there and pulled it out, just to rewrap it for this game! There’s a $20 minimum for a reason!” fumed a very emotion Darrell, when asked for comment.

The rest of the Dirty Santa game fell apart after Steve unwrapped one of the old Vioganni’s lights that was unceremoniously destroyed when Vioganni’s underwent renovation. It quickly became apparent that nobody had adhered to the $20 minimum, when Jeff unwrapped an old bent golf putter.

“We always knew they recycled gifts. That’s why Water and Sewage has the best Christmas Parties. Our gifts are never regifted.” Said the Louisa Water and Sewage Department Manager Jay Laine.

In a final twist of the story, our investigation has determined that everyone at the Lawrence County Garage attempted to select and secure the very same gift they, themselves, “bought” for Dirty Santa.