By: Mark Wayne, Lead Investigative Reporter

Date: November 24, 2022

As a part of an early Black Friday sale, The Big Sandy Lazer (BSL) and its Board of Directors bought the LevisaLazer.com in a steal of a deal that is sure to shake-up the online media landscape of the greatest small town in Kentucky. The acquisition has already gone through an expedited review by the Kentucky Parody Association (KPA) and received blessings from the ghosts of Fred M. Vinson and Pope John Paul II.

As result of this acquisition, when someone visits the LevisaLazer.com it will redirect you to TheBigSandyLazer.com. This news has taken all employees of the LevisaLazer.com by surprise, including some who are reading this sentence for the very first time right now.

The BSL Board of Directors released the following statement:

In purchasing the LevisaLazer.com we want the people and livestock of Lawrence County, as well as the surrounding areas, to rest assured that the LevisaLazer.com is still the biggest joke in the community. There are currently no plans to make the LevisaLazer.com into a legitimate news source.

In a public filing by the KPA, it was revealed this early Black Friday deal cost exactly $20 plus tax. This amount was confirmed by the President of The BSL Board of Directors who commented, “That is correct, it only cost $20 plus tax. Literally anyone could have done this if they had $20 plus tax. To be clear, we had $20 plus tax and that was all it took. It might seem way too simple, and it most definitely was.”

Lead Investigative Reporter for The Big Sandy Lazer Mark Wayne was asked about his company’s recent acquisition and commented, “This was a smart acquisition on The Board’s part, especially at such a bargain price. You’d think someone would have already bought it, but nope. We are looking forward to bringing the same sense of credibility and professionalism our readers expect of The BSL to the LevisaLazer.com.

In a move that has some employees on edge, The BSL Board of Directors has taken steps to change several key policies. From now on, employees will be required to:

1)    Learn how to use spellcheck, especially on any obituary page

2)    Have at least a 3rd Grade education

3)    Pass a basic background check to ensure we don’t accidently hire three toddlers in a trench coat with a very realistic looking diploma drawn in crayon… again

4)    Wear kneepads when covering Area Readdiction Conglomerate and the Fiscal Court

5)    Drive company vehicles leased by Ron Perry’s Automall

Rumors of The Big Sandy Lazer also acquiring The La Visor Laser, which is Louisa’s only online news source ran by non-native English speakers, have been circulating at McDonald’s by the usual group of old men who congregate there… Scratch that, it’s not a rumor… The BSL Board of Directors have voted to acquire TheLaVisorLaser.com too, setting up Louisa’s first online multimedia conglomerate.