ARC claims voter fraud in Lawrence County Elections
By: Mark Wayne, Lead Investigative Reporter
Date: November 10, 2022
Area Readdiciton Conglomerate (ARC) is claiming it was the victim of voter fraud in this past Tuesday’s County and City-wide election after several key candidates they backed were defeated in general election races. ARC Chief Executive Officer Rim Jobertson appeared incredulous and irate as he raised doubts about the results after Shatt Crown lost his race to be on Louisa City Council.
Shatt Crown, himself, stated he plans to sue the county to look at the voter rolls after Mrs. Marge Thompson claimed she saw the ghost of Fred M. Vinson voting. “We need to see how many dead people voted! Also, I need to get a look at the voter rolls to see who I need to fire for not voting for me.”
Mrs. Marge Thompson had this to say when asked for comment, “I saw the familiar lengthy, billowing, dark robe and signature 1950’s closeted-racist hairstyle of dear ole’ dead Fred M. Vinson coming out of a voting booth. He is dead and a Democrat, so there are two reasons why his vote shouldn’t count.”
Rim Jobertson held a press conference where he ranted, “Clearly this election was rigged by the CIA! I mean, isn’t it suspicious that Petunia Fester got the most votes? Everyone knows she worked for the CIA.”
Mrs. Fester, a local hygienist and newly elected member of City Council who ran as a candidate of the Flip & Flop Diamond Party, has long been suspected of being involved with the CIA as an enhanced interrogator. She is known throughout the town for her very bloody, thorough, and torturous teeth cleanings.
We reached out to the CIA for confirmation or denial of her employment with their agency, to which they replied, “Mrs. Fester was personally responsible for extracting the information which directly led to locating and eliminating Osama bin Laden. Those Al-Qaeda never screamed more, nor had cleaner molars, than when she was through with them. She was the top interrogator at the CIA during her tenure.”
The County Clerk’s office has publicly refuted all claims of fraud. However, they are launching an investigation into the most recent sighting of Fred M. Vinson’s ghost casting a vote, after the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas expressed interest in gaining this power for herself.
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Ghost of Fred M. Vinson seen haunting Dee’s Drive Inn bathroom
This past Tuesday evening, Mrs. Marge Thompson, 76, of Martha, KY was leaving the post office located in downtown Louisa when she was startled to see what appeared to be the specter of former Supreme Court Chief Justice Fred M. Vinson floating up from the Dee’s Drive Inn Bathroom. This is the second such haunting Mrs. Thompson has seen in the past year, the first being of D&J Tobacco in April.
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Fort Gay moves to annex Point Section
During the most recent City Council meeting, Fort Gay, WV Mayor Jolene McCoy introduced a controversial motion to formally annex the Point Section from Louisa, KY. The annexation is viewed as illegal by several surrounding towns and counties, but is expected to be supported by the Fort Gay City Council at a special meeting later this week.
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Starz & Stripez sets karaoke World Record after death of Loretta Lynn
The Louisa Starz & Stripez set a Guinness World Record this past Friday after the death of Loretta Lynn. The World Record set was for having “The Most Consecutive Unique Drunk Karaoke Renditions of Coal Miner’s Daughter.” Which is an oddly specific World Record to exist.