By: Brooke Meadows, Community Reporter

Date: December 8, 2022

Here are The Big Sandy Lazer’s tips for decorating your Christmas Tree this season to give it a little extra-special twinkle.

1. Check the Gender of your tree.

You’re going to want to lift that tree skirt and reach underneath the lowest branches to check and see if you have a male or female tree. For male trees, we recommend a sports coat and tie, or a jersey of your favorite sports team. For female trees we recommend a bonnet or bow, and something that shows a little cleavage.

If you find your tree is transgender, you’re going to want to go ahead and chop it up for firewood and set it on fire, to show it the love of God by giving it a taste of Hell. Keep in mind that artificial trees are considered non-binary and should not be displayed in true Christian households.

2. Buy ornaments with the alphabet on them to spell out messages.

If you have children, we suggest spelling out “WE KNOW” and waiting for them to confess whatever secret it is weighing on their mind and tearing apart their soul.

If you have an annoying family member, let Aunt Linda know her new boyfriend is the worst with a passive aggressive phrase like, “DO BETTER LINDA.”

  3. Make your tree topper a real conversation piece.

Forget putting an angel or a star on top of your tree, instead try a controversial book or that box of contraceptives you found in your parent’s bedside nightstand. Whatever it is, make sure it starts an argument, and capitalize on your homefield advantage. Don’t be afraid to throw a family member out of your house. You didn’t host Christmas this year to make friends, you hosted Christmas to be #1.

4. If you’re under 40: Dress the tree like one of your estranged parents.

If you’re over 40: Dress the tree like one of your estranged children.

Go ahead and have those tough conversations you never could with your real parents, or child. Tell your parents that your college roommate is really your lover. Tell your child that even though they never felt comfortable being themselves around you, they should shove those feelings deep down and live a lie, at least until grandma croaks.

5. Get your tree a gift. (I don’t know? I’m phoning this one in. I’ve had a hard day.)

Your tree works hard for your family. Show it your appreciation by getting it a gift to unwrap as well. We suggest a pet squirrel or friendly owl to while away the hours with.