By: Mark Wayne, Lead Investigative Reporter

Date: December 29, 2022

It’s over everybody! We had a good run. Time to face the music. We’ve got Witches. They’re everywhere. It’s too late. There’s nothing we can do about it. Say your prayers and hold your family close… unless they’re Witches, of course.

We thought we were safe with this being the season of Christmas and all the different Christian denominations in Eastern Kentucky forming a protective shield over us. It turns out some of the Baptists must have been lying and hiding their wine glasses when the company came over, because the Witches have infiltrated our churches, hair salons, and schools.

Reports say that the Witches initially took root in Paintsville and have slowly been working their way down toward Martin County. It is presumed Witches are in Lawrence County and other areas, as there have been reports of people experimenting with “white magic,” which as we all know leads to “black magic”, Rock’n’Roll, and exterior lawn illumination.

The Paul Revere who alerted us to the presence of these Witches is a brave woman who woke up yesterday morning with a message from the Lord that she had to post on social media. She bravely proclaimed, “We’ve got Witches! They’re out there cutting our hair, sitting in our church pews, shopping at our Walmarts! Wake up sheeple! Can’t you see that all the pastors’ salivary glands are swelling up!” The woman wishes to remain anonymous since she publicly posted her warning on social media.

According to our very own Samuel Parris, who was the Puritan minister during the Salem Witch Trials, we all need to take everyone we suspect of being a Witch to a Benihana or equivalent Japanese Steakhouse. During the meal, keep count as they throw shrimp into your mouth, anyone who catches exactly 3 shrimp is unquestionably a Witch.

We interviewed a Witch who convened with us by casting animal bones into the fireplace, who let us know, “Our Coven doesn’t mean any harm to anyone. We just do the usual Witch stuff of cursing people and stealing their husbands or children. If anything, we are more of a group of NASCAR enthusiasts that like to get together and have satanic resurrections. Our motto is: Praise Hell. Raise Dale!”

Additionally, to assuage any public fears, the Witch made it clear their coven has a policy that if a resurrection last more than 4 hours, they will consult a priest. The animal bones communication was abruptly cut-off because Witches’s bones are serviced by AT&T, but she did confirm that anyone who uses the Number 3 is a member of their Coven, and anyone who uses the number 8 is a member of their Hell Coven Jr. program.

There has been no word from local officials regarding what they intend to do about these Witches. In unrelated news, the newly elected City and County governments have released proposals to change the official motto of Louisa and Lawrence County to:

Praise Hell. Raise Dale!