By: Brooke Meadows, Community Reporter

Date: February 16, 2023

Since we took off in January for personal reasons, here are the stories we were going to cover in January, but then didn’t because… life happens. Mental health is important! Don’t forget to take care of yourself, because you are worth it!

The ghost of Flip Diamond was seen flying underneath the Louisa-Fort Gay bridge

A ghostly van was seen flying through town this past weekend by Marge Thompson, who is widely known for her ghostly encounters with the specter of Fred M. Vinson. According to Mrs. Thompson the van did a sweet barrel roll over the Levisa Fork River and went underneath of the bridge. When asked if she cared whether people believed her or not, she stated, “I don’t give a Flyin’ Flip!”

Louisa Water Treatment Plant clogged up from “excessive DNA samples”

The Louisa Water Treatment Plant had to temporarily shut down after the intake valves were clogged from too much semen. The samples are being investigated by the law enforcement. Early signs indicate most of the material appears to be from a local online news blogger who is unaware that people can see the stuff he “likes” on twitter, which results in his twitter featuring news and images from the Lawrence County School System and its students adjacent to explicit pornography.

O’Kelley Bros. and Jaxson Bros. lawsuits appear to be unrelated

Both O’Kelley Bros. Pic-Pac Furniture Store and Jaxson Bros. Go-Go Car Garage have recently been hit with lawsuits claiming the workers aren’t really brothers. Both entities have refuted these claims and have stated they are willing to take DNA test in order to confirm their familial connections. The lawsuits appear to be unrelated at this time.

Sunoco Gas Pumps feature mute button

Seriously… Not an article… Just want to say thank you for putting in gas pumps with a mute button. We no longer have to listen to dumb ads while we’re freezing our asses off waiting for the gas to get done pumping. A-plus! Way to go! Thank you!