By: Brooke Meadows

Date: May 2022

            Last week’s primaries had a surprise upset for one particular candidate. Wendell Hardin was pleased to learn he had won his primary race for the office of County Judge Executive, but he was surprised to learn he won on the Democratic ticket.

            “I had been registered as a Democrat my whole life, but recently everyone switched over to a Republican in order to win local races. I thought I had switched over too, but I guess I forgot to,” stated Wendell Hardin.

            Indeed, records show many people currently holding elected office have switched parties in the past several election cycles. “From the lowest offices to the highest offices in the county and town, it no longer matters what platform you run on or what beliefs you have. All that matters is what team you are on and that you commit to beating the other side, no matter how much you hurt the people you were elected to represent,” stated a local election worker.

            Wendell Hardin will move on to face embattled incumbent, Bill Gardner, who has recently come under fire for his lavish Bambi-themed birthday parties and backdoor dealings to obtain a Bambi-themed 2022 Ford Explorer. Bill Gardner beat Republican primary challenger Keith Prescott by running a near-constant smear campaign against his opponent and everything he’d ever been involved with.

When asked about his planned tactics to beat Mr. Hardin in the general election, Gardner was quoted as saying, “I don’t have to try to beat this guy. He has the wrong letter next to his name. I can say anything and do anything. No one cares how bad my policies are, who they will hurt, or even what they are. I have that little ‘R’ next to my name, so it’s a guaranteed victory. I don’t even have to try.”

Nevertheless, Mr. Hardin indicated he was pleased to have won his primary and looks forward to the general election.