By: Brooke Meadows, Community Reporter

Date: November 2, 2022

One of Louisa’s newest restaurants came out of the closet this past weekend by hosting the closest thing this town has seen to a debate between political candidates. Louisa Starz and Stripez hosted what is sure to become an election tradition when they held a Charity Drag Brunch featuring most of the candidates up for election in city and county races.

The brunch festivities kicked off with a moving and sexy rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner sang by a shirtless gaggle of firemen from the Louisa, Fallsburg, and Blaine Fire Departments. Ironically, this sexy display of baritone manliness left the audience so hot and bothered they almost had to pull the fire alarm.

After the crown calmed down, they were greeted by a mysterious dolled up figure, who called themselves Carolyn, and serenaded the crowd with Seal’s “Kissed by a Rose.” After singing the last bar, they introduced themselves as the host for the evening and revealed their real identity might just be as the Lawrence County PVA, Kris Tulip.

The format for the brunch featured the candidates of each race facing off against each other in the ancient Japanese art of karaoke, with the crowd’s applause determining which Queen slayed the hardest. Most male candidates aimed to woo the audience with their fancy and flashy dresses flowing in the Sweet Evening Breeze. In contrast, the female candidates were evenly split between turning themselves into bearded lumberjacks or jacked up athletes.

“It’s clear after today, there may be more Beards in town than we thought.” stated one patron who claimed the morning’s events will definitely play a role in their selection on election day.

The candidates for City Council featured a contentious mash-up showdown between the eight candidates, with the crowd applauding loudest for Tim Parcell who was dressed up as the salacious Ursula from the Little Mermaid.

The most anticipated event of the mid-morning occurred when County Judge Executive Candidates Bill Gardner and Wendell Hardin took turns slaying the crowd with an extended version of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” that lasted 10 minutes. Each candidate had written their own lyrics and the song turned into a dueling diss track, which the crowd ate up like it was their mama’s last can of Van Camp Beans.

However, the true crescendo of the brunch was when U.S. Senate Candidates Rand Paul and Charles Booker showed up in heels and curls to surprise the crowd with a funky version of “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” in the style of Elton John and Kiki Dee. Reportedly, they were originally supposed to sing “Gold Digger” by Kanye West and Jamie Foxx, but after Ye’s recent embracing of antisemitic views, Sen. Rand Paul couldn’t get through the song without his dress starting to fit too tightly around his hips.

The winners of the brunch were all the Queens that slayed. The host of the evening reminded everyone that no matter who they supported, it was important to show up and let their voices be heard by their vote.