By: Mark Wayne

Date: May 2022

First States Bank of Louisa, KY was briefly under siege as employees still loyal to Inez Deposit Bank attempted a mutiny on the current bank management. Several employees, who had become disgruntled with the changes new ownership were making, decided they’d had enough and held up the bank after management accused them of stealing from the bank.

            First States Bank President, Mickle Snell, released a statement:

“We learned those employees formerly employed by Inez Deposit Bank that were held over in the transition had been slowly stealing money from the bank. It turns out they would show up for work and trick management into writing them checks twice a month in an amount corresponding with how long they were present in the bank. We suspect they had even tricked the bank into supplying them and their families with health insurance and paid time off. We have taken measures to safeguard our Board and shareholders against future incidents, or at the very least minimize losses to them by similar incidents.”

            When reached for comment regarding the Bank President’s statement, one of the mutineers stated: “That’s called a job. He described a job.”

            Another one of the attempted mutineers, who asked to remain anonymous, also commented: “I was just mad that they changed my nameplate from DELORIS to Deloris. I liked having my name in all capital letters. These lower-case letters make me lose my freaking mind.”

            During the hold-up the former Inez Deposit Bank employees barged into Mickle Snell’s office and held him hostage until he demonstrated he could plan out a realistic budget with the take home salary the employees were being paid. Reportedly, President Snell was unable to plan out a reasonable budget, but was able to escape his responsibility to his employees with his rich, white, male privilege.

            “Any rich, white man can legally detain any minority, woman, or poor person for any reason they want to under the Patriot Act. No one reads the fine print of those bills.”

            The failed mutineers released a collective statement saying:

            “We just wanted those running the bank to know what it was like for us regular employees trying to live on the wages they were paying us. Shut up, Deloris! You are the only one who cares about the nameplates… Just press the stop recording button. Damnit, Deloris!”

            Reflecting on how this event has changed him and First States Bank, President Snell was quoted as saying, “It’s so hard being a straight, white, rich man in the current climate. We used to have all the power, money, and land… and we still do. It’s just not as fun now.”