ARC in talks to buy old Coke plant, will unveil Super Coke Classic
By: Mark Wayne, Lead Investigative Reporter
Date: June 2022
In either a stroke of genius, or nefarious plot, unfounded sources have leaked information that Area Readdiction Conglomerate(ARC) is in talks to purchase the old Coca-Cola Plant in downtown Louisa. The old Coca-Cola Plant has been a landmark in Louisa since the early twentieth century, when it was moved from the first floor of the Snyder concrete block building near a then freight depot.
ARC President and CEO Rim Jobertson was asked about the potential acquisition and had the following to say, “We are excited at the possibility of taking over another Louisa landmark, just like we did with the old Foodland building and every single building across from the courthouse downtown. We have very big plans to reopen the old Coca-Cola plant and provide the town with a more locally-sourced soft drink option.”
Rim went on to explain ARC’s plan to release Super Coke Classic, made according to the original formula using real cocaine and using the Louisa plant’s original 125 feet deep well. The new Super Coke Classic will undoubtedly be expensive, as cocaine is probably more costly than it was in 1914, when it was legally available at $16 an ounce.
Lifelong Louisa citizen Susan McPoyle had this to say about the potential purchase, “I don’t think it’s a good idea. They need to stop coming out with all these different types of Coca-Cola. There’s Coke Zero, Coke Zero Sugar, Chery Coke, Vanilla Cherry… Hell, they even did a dumbass Orange Coke. Back when I was young, we just had regular Coca-Cola and we had regular cocaine, there was no need to mix them.”
An ARC representative did mention part of their plan was “to get the citizens of Louisa addicted to cocaine, so they would be able to have more locally-sourced clients. Our goal is to get people readdicted to the classy old drugs, like cocaine, instead of more harmful drugs that are harder to cure, like independently thinking and reevaluating one’s core beliefs. It’s not what drugs people are on that ARC cares about, but whose drugs people are on… and how much we can bill their insurance for.”
TIME-OUT FROM COMEDY: Actual Piece of Louisa History
This article came into my head after reading the article in the picture here from the March 20, 1914 edition of the Big Sandy News.
Unrelatedly, the early days of the Coca-Cola Bottling Company in Louisa were pretty intense. In 1907, C.P. Braisington bought the plant. In March of the following year, he would break into the Louisa Furniture Company Store located on Water St., where he would steal $150 worth of revolvers and razors. He got caught while out on a date one week later. His doctor brother from South Carolina had to come up and bail him out of jail, after having just been here to pay off a lot of his other debts.
They ended up taking the Coke Plant from him and auctioning it and its contents off on the courthouse steps. We haven’t even touched on the merging of the Coke Plant with a Baking Factory that eventually caught fire.
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The Burglary - March 13, 1908
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The Arrest - March 20, 1908
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The Courthouse Sale - October 16, 1908
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