By: Brooke Meadows, Community Reporter

Date: August 21, 2022

          While the threat of danger and loss of limb has provided the rides of Louisa, KY’s Septemberfest an extra dose of adrenaline, there is one ride that previously towered over the competition. For years the Hillbilly Choo Choo was leaps and bounds ahead of the other attractions with its inherent ride-at-your-own-risk peril. However, over the past decade the Septemberfest Committee made attempts to tone down the danger, despite the outcry of many of the festival’s attendees.

            “We used to have to test the Blood Alcohol Concentration(BAC) of the Hillbilly Choo Choo driver before every ride. The Septemberfest Committee wanted us to keep him between 0.10% and 0.12% BAC. This kept the driver right in the sweet spot where there was enough thrill without too much danger,” stated Louisa Chief of Police Craig Hughlett. The legal allowed limit is 0.08% BAC for motor vehicles.

            Unfortunately, there was an accident during the 2011 Septemberfest when the Hillbilly Choo Choo careened through the adjacent Bloomin’ Onion tent. The crash would have been inconsequential, except for the damage to the booth’s fryer, which has led to everyone’s bloomin’ onions not being completely done in the very middle ever since.

            Louisa Police Department led an investigation of the incident where they learned the other adjacent lemonade booth was supplying the Hillbilly Choo Choo driver with spiked hard lemonade. The driver would consume his hillbilly hooch while doing donuts in the elementary school parking lot, allegedly to help counteract a congenital inner ear problem and prevent him from getting dizzy.

The Hillbilly Choo Choo driver was, nevertheless, relieved of his duty and replaced with a new driver the next year. The lemonade stand was just asked to switch spots with one of the other lemonade stands, but otherwise no punitive action was taken for spiking the lemonade.

“Everyone is spiking their lemonade during Septemberfest. You think the Rotary can sling that much hash while sober? No way. They’re all sipping on that Septemberfest Sangria, also known as spiked lemonade. Honestly, the Bahama Mommas taste a little better when I’m feeling it anyway,” said Rotary Club President and Mayor Gerald Jones.

In the spirit of forgiveness and nostalgia, the Septemberfest Committee has announced the return of the drunk Hillbilly Choo Choo driver for the Bicentennial Celebration. The committee has assured festival patrons they will more closely monitor the drivers BAC, and vow to keep him at or below 0.10% BAC. The sober Hillbilly Choo Choo driver will be riding along on every ride, as a failsafe.

Time-Out From Comedy:

P.S.- Whoever is in charge of the Septemberfest website… you spelled “Bicentennial” wrong… just a heads up. Don’t worry, no one else will read this line. It’s just between us… Also, thanks for all your hard work. The Septemberfest is an awesome tradition.

For those Louisa History Buffs:

Louise Lambert is the name you need to remember when it comes to who started the Septemberfest. She is the person who started the Potato Festival in September of 1987, after the Fiscal Court and City Council laughed at her for wanting to do so. Despite rain that first year, it was a huge success for a first year festival. Then the City Council only agreed to let her keep being director of the festival, that she started, if they could make sure a man was in charge over her… because it was the late 1980’s and sexism was what all the cool city councils were doing… and Louisa’s City Council didn’t want to appear uncool. After an even more successful second year, the City Council and Fiscal Court decided to do away with her director position and essentially kicked her out… once again because sexism was cool and the men were probably worried a woman might get credit for something successful.

Source: Tackett, Regina, et al. History of Lawrence County: As told by those who lived it, and others who heard their stories. 1991

Men of quality do not fear equality.