By: Brooke Meadows, Community Reporter

Date: August 4, 2022

           The Lawrence County Fair Board was pleased to announce the success of its first-ever Pissing Contest which took place after the conclusion of the main fair events. The popularity of the event ensured it will be featured prominently in next year’s program. The Lawrence County Fair Board traditionally picks an event to have after the main festivities, as an audition of sorts for the following year. Last year the Fair Board held a “Shooting Fish in a Barrel Contest” which did not make the cut for this year’s fair.

            This year’s Pissing Contest was conducted by having contestants sponsor different horses which were fed 3 gallons of high-quality H2O from the Levisa Fork River. The horses were then monitored for the next 2 hours, during which the amount of urine and its velocity were judged by the audience. Several prominent members of the community sponsored horses, including County Judge Executive Bill Gardner, Chairman of the Board of Education Keith Prescott, Lawrence County Fair Board Chairman Mick Frostwhite, and local bait shop owner Ben Baker.

            Ironically, each contestant proved to have worse bladder control than the horses they sponsored, as they were all middle-aged men with enlarged prostates, who presumably pee sitting down. Some contestants spent more time at the public urinal than watching the actual contest. County Judge Executive Bill Gardner was heard at the public urinal making the remark, “I can’t go if people are watching me. Everyone look away so I can do my business! Look away!”

            The Fair Board stated they intend on keeping the wildly popular contest for next year’s fair, but they will make changes to the contest’s format by replacing the horses with the middle-aged men who had entered the contest. The Board says they’re already in discussions with Port-A-John and prostate medication brand Flomax to sponsor next year’s event.

            When polled for who won the Pissing Contest, the audience unanimously agreed that all the contestants were losers.