Community Editorial: The BS Lazer butt-hurt locally funded library is donating shoes to poor children

 

By: Brooke Meadows, Community Reporter

Date: June 2022

          We here at the Big Sandy Lazer were extremely butt-hurt when we found out the Lawrence County Public Library (LCPL) held a shoe drive to benefit poor and needy children. LCPL has been accepting donations, which will then be distributed to the Lawrence County Schools Family Resource Centers, and it does not sit right with us.

            Our non-existent investigation show that many of the shoes were not donated. Instead, dozens upon dozens of the “donated” shoes were Gucci, Ralph Lauren, Paul Giamatti, and Randy Quaid luxury brand shoes valued between $3,000 and $27,000 that were purchased by the Library for these poor children.

            According to Matthew 19:14 of the King James Bible (and we are definitely not taking this out of context to fit our own needs), Jesus said “…suffer little children…” It pains us here at the Lazer to see a Godless place like the Public Library not letting these children suffer. We called Library Director Charley Belfrie and hung up after one ring, therefore she refused to comment.

The Library is, of course, worth $60 million dollars, which may sound like a typo, because it is. We do not know how much money the library has, or is worth, because we did not want to read all the complicated and tediously-detailed financial records they have publicly available on their website. Instead, we just like screaming “Show me the money!” like Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Jerry Maguire.

All this to say, apparently the Lawrence County Public Library is trying to launder their blood money by putting shoes on the feet of the county’s poorest and neediest school children. Shame on them!

We really hope these attacks on the Public Library are working, because we are getting paid well to do them. Just to preview some of our future attacks, the BS Lazer is going to accuse the Lawrence County Public Library of:

  • Forcing Ron Perry’s Auto Mall Out of Business

  • Stopping the Down Home Grill from Being Open Later

  • Hosting the Fiscal Court’s Satanic Orgies

  • Giving Their Spouses Bonuses Collected from Delinquent Tax Funds

  • Listening to Rock Music

  • Secretly Possessing Hunter Biden’s Laptop

  • Having Books Depicting Minorities in a Respectful Manner

 

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