SPORTS

July 28th, 2022

By: Chip McCoy

The historied and illustrious South Side Roller Rink, known to millennials as a birthday party staple of the late-1990’s and early 2000’s, will be re-opening its doors this fall. Louisa has recently been selected to form an expansion team of the United States Flat Track Roller Derby Association. The Louisa team will feature both a men’s and women’s squad, and will be holding tryouts open to regional athletes, moms of teenagers struggling to suppress their rage, and disgruntled overweight armchair coaches.

            Spearheading the effort to bring an expansion team here was Eastern Kentucky mogul Ben Table. Speaking at a press conference held in a booth at Down Home Grill, Mr. Table had this to say, “We have an opportunity to feature a unique track to the Roller Derby world. Southside is going to become the Martinsville or Bristol of the Roller Derby circuit. We feel the short track offered at South Side Roller Rink will make for the most exciting Roller Derby action. We have even found a way to incorporate the limbo stick as a track obstacle.”

            While the deal is not yet finalized, the Louisa team will join the North-Central Kentucky Derby Conference, comprising of the Black-n-Bluegrass Rollers, the Derby City Rollers, the Kentucky Baptist Seminary Holy Rollers, and the Bourbon-n-Turn-In Rollers. Several team names are being considered, as well as several logo and color designs. Leading names at this time are the South Side River Rollers, the Dead Man’s Curvy Rollers, and the Stella Moore Scooter Gang.

            Those wishing to try out for the men’s and women’s teams will be able to rent skates from the rink-side window, but as a consensus all the cool kids will be sporting rollerblades and the annoying people will be wearing Sketchers Heelys.